Babyhead

Definition: the mental condition one adopts when a baby is introduced into one's life.Most of the symptoms are familiar to everyone. Like persistent exhaustion and the diminished ability to calculate a tip--or anything for that matter. But I wanted to focus on some of the lesser known aspects. Such as...1) The entirely unreasonable conviction that your baby is unusually--almost impossibly--beautiful. Sure, other babies are cute, even adorable at times. But Beauty had to lie down and take a personal day after blessing your little one with her beguiling charms. This is undoubtedly an adaption that preserves parental commitment while baby is spitting up in your face. Knowing this in no way lessens your conviction that she's a stunner.2) Wild swings between bravado and esteem-shattering fear regarding your abilities as a parent. On the one hand, you take total credit for your brilliant stewardship of baby on her transition to sleeping through the night. On the other hand, you're convinced that you are doing something--even if you're not sure what--that will impede/damage/scar her for life.3) The sudden disappearance of whole elements of your life you once believed were important. Seven weeks ago, I was very committed to working on my turns in ballet class. This actually mattered to me. I don't even take classes any more. Also, I used to check my Amazon rankings daily. Daily. I can't remember the last time I did that. More frighteningly, I can't remember the last time I cared. Undoubtedly, there are other once-significant pursuits that used to round out my personality, but I've already lost sight of them.4) Pathetic, grasping, unrequited devotion. She looks at you funny and you believe--because you must believe--that it means she loves you. Her lips curl up ever so slightly and you're sure it's a smile. But baby doesn't even have the neurons to process the concept of love at this stage. In her world, you are only slightly more significant than the plant she keeps staring at over your shoulder. Not only is a pacifier a sufficient replacement; at times, she prefers it to you. Nevertheless, you persist in seeking out some glimmer of recognition, some sign that she likes you, or, at the very least, is aware of you as a unique individual. If you behaved this way toward a lover, your friends would tell you to wake up and move on. She's just not that into you.Undoubtedly there are many, many more symptoms (like devoting your blog almost exclusively to baby stuff), but, alas, exhaustion has gotten the better of me. I'm going to stare into my baby's hauntingly beautiful face for a minute, over-interpret some facial tic, then lie down for a nap only to be kept awake by the nagging fear that I'm doing something terribly--even criminally--wrong.Ta for now.